MIND-warp:::

A Moment.

2011-02-03T13:33:00.001+11:00

“When I look at the sky, something tells me that you are here with me and I can always find my way.”

The feeling of nostalgia knocks a person reeling sometimes and this was precisely what occurred to me the night of our Chinese New Year Eve dinner. As I had gazed over the steam curling above the hot pot centered on the round, rose-wood table, amidst the sounds of laughter of my friends who I was having dinner with, I felt a pang at realizing that this new year, I wouldn’t be able to greet my grandfather with Chinese New Year wishes. Looking back over the years, I considered the moment when I would be passed the phone from my father a nerve-wrecking one because due to my inapt abilities to speak Mandarin or Cantonese properly, I would struggle to respond appropriately and look quite close to what a duck would look out of water, I suspect. But those simple phrases, “Gong Hei Fat Choi, San Lin Fai Lok” have come to mean so much more to me without having realizing it. In a sense, they help to tie in some tradition to my already quite untraditional, modern world. Having had never returned to Malaysia for Chinese New Year since I was nine, my only link to the traditions that belay this much anticipated festival would be that early morning phone call back to my grandparents and somehow without it, something feels incomplete. To lament now will obviously not do anything but it is the thought that perhaps I didn’t treasure these moments as much as I should have that burns me a little. I still wonder what it would have been like if we were able to converse and communicate with each other. Would he be able to tell me stories of his life? Or to relay stories of my father’s childhood? Or maybe even just to understand a different perspective on life. It’s the overwhelming sense of loss that weighs me down today. I wish he,my grandmother and my other grandfather knew how much I missed them, wherever they are… Happy New Year Yeh Yeh, Ma Ma and Goong Goong - “Gong Hei Fat Choi, San Lin Fai Lok”.

Plastic-ine

2010-07-24T00:31:00.004+10:00

T-H-I-N-K-I-N-G

Thoughts are funny things. One moment you could be thinking about a funny joke someone said the previous night and next you are treading on a world of highly emotional thoughts without so much as a blink of the eye. It is a miracle that I somehow keep sane with all that rushes in my mind but then again with such a masterpiece as the brain, I can only be humbled by what it has to deal with each day.

Have you ever felt that if people found out what you thought, you could be possibly be 'hung'? Not in the sense where someone would place your neck in a noose and leave you to die but in a modern sense of lynching, condemned by the utmost scorn and uppity expressions that are plastered over their blackened moral masks. I guess its a pity we don't have the courage to be able to word out the thoughts in our mind for the fear of realising a reality that shouldn't be happening. Its like when people still refuse to believe in global warming (or that Liverpool is the best EPL team) that you understand that denial in itself is one of the largest obstacles and as long as they believe in that denial, there will be no moment of realisation - no moment of truth. I would say I wouldn't want to be once of those people but I know in my way, that I do cringe at saying things loud. Its the fear of the realisation that maybe people aren't true or that what you thought made you whole was actually missing all this time. But in writing this, I hope to have broken some of that denial down because this is probably a step in the right direction. It will come when one day I will probably be able to accept the truth as it is but till then, I will have to keep chipping away, tossing out the broken pieces, rearranging the ones which will last until I find myself in a place where I can accept.

It may take half a year, several years or a lifetime but if we are striving for something better than perhaps... it is something worth doing? I don't know. I can't answer these questions but I can try.

A pocket full of posies.

2010-06-21T23:48:00.003+10:00

its over... will I pass?

I'm feeling damn insecure... sigh~ This has never happened to me.. not even for the Stats paper or the Physics one. I used to always feel secure in my Bio subjects - now... its driving me crazy. I need to think about other things like Bangkok and Sydney and Zara and seeing friends back home and watching movies and seeing the world cup and ... yeah, the list goes on. Please, please take my mind off that particular thing.

a different Friday night??

2010-06-19T09:43:00.004+10:00

This morning I woke up feeling like I shouldn't concentrate on the parts of my life which were a bit unsavoury and this blog is certainly becoming such a pit-hole of whiny thoughts that I even shudder when I read it T_T. So, I thought I would blog about something more fun and happening then what's been already written.

Yep, yep. So yesterday was Friday night. Or as Grace usually says "FRIDAY NIGHT" which means in our vocab ,dinner night but more fun? Lol. But yeah, so we had our dinner at Dessert House and oddly enough didn't order the deep fried calamari with fried rice but instead got the yong tau fu =) because I thought I was feeling a bit heaty so didn't want to risk it before the exam. I didn't realise how crowded the restaurant gets even on a Friday night which kind of puzzled me but then its cheap-ish and tasty food so I can't complain. There were really large tables as well with like10 people and it was obvious that they were squeezing us in like sardines when the top floor started looking more like canteen tables than an actual restaurant. But it was all good especially once I got started on my food and mmmilk tea~~ =) yum!

After dinner and the usual "can you get change for all of us and ask them to split up the change?" scenario, we headed back in the general direction of home but it was the kind of walk that could be classified as dawdling or erm.. ok, lets face it - it was the epitome of procrastination. SOME people wanted to "work" at some place - some kind of shop was it? T_T But the less alco-addicted of us wanted to head somewhere we could just sit and talk without having our heads in. =) So we decided on Koko Black and hoped to high heavens that we could get a seat there especially since (if I haven't emphasised enough already) it was a Friday night.

You would think that a walk there would really have nothing much to talk about. But it was seriously crazy.. One moment we were walking down Swanston and then suddenly two of us wanted to have a fight! All Black One was shouting "fight, fight, fight" while thinking about the popcorn he left at home whilst those hot-headed friends of mine tried to 1-2 each other. To say the least, it was an unsatisfying match - demand a re-match please!! =)

Oddly enough, we did find a seat at Koko and apparently it was a "happening" seat so some people were quite high about that although they were deciding on just getting baby chino or whatever it was. T_T~ You know, to think back about the night it was amazing we did talk about stuff in between all that fighting, black & white filming, licking spoons and science sugar experiments - but we did! And it was all about sepiloks, chicken shooing, backstreet boys, meteor garden, how hot Mike He is, sultans of Malaysia(?), who drives better and how unsatisfying JJ Lin's concert was. Random huh... Lol - but it happened. And we kind of had a mini generation music talk where some of us realised how old we really were. But you know at the end of it, it felt really good to have this kind of laid-back night just filled with talk, nonsense and laughter. I think its been a long time since we had this kind of thing because usually its all about drinking and clubbing and what not. Haha - to think this is the kind of night I have just because of exams? Anyways, next Friday will be entirely different I'm guessing what with camp just around the corner and an important Bra vs. Por match being played that night. Let's see what happens =)

2010-06-19T01:13:00.003+10:00

You know... it isn't easy being who you are. And having to feel your "disadvantage" being played to its utmost strength hurts. I understand that its difficult to approach and the awkwardness tells me as much but really... if you really cared, you wouldn't treat me the way you do. I don't know, I guess it was either that I expected too much or didn't think about it too much when it started.

To think I was stupid enough to think it wouldn't affect me.

crap

2010-06-17T00:22:00.002+10:00

I have the conscious understanding that I am screwed for MCB.

.....great.....

chin-up!

2010-06-16T00:03:00.003+10:00

Gyah!! Blogging seems necessary and inevitable without facebook but to tell you the truth, Twitter has been keeping me sane these past few weeks only because I think I am more of a twitter-er than a facebook-er. I mean, looking at photos and seeing how people are linked to whom or finding someone you haven't seen in a long time is all good and all but sometimes I think enough is enough. No matter how much you look at people, they won't sprout wings or grow fangs so I guess that doesn't excite me anymore. Although, if people did turn into leprechauns overnight or turned an alien martian colour, I would forever be fascinated by the events on facebook.

Its Wednesday - and I have an exam tomorrow. I should be studying avidly like the reputation that is given to the supposed nerd-crazed Biomedders but I think I somehow missed out on that gene. Maybe I have a mutant gene. Either that or it was in one of my X-chromosomes which somehow got silenced - its in a Barr body somewhere... I'm pretty sure of it. Although, that suggests that I am "tabby" for the nerd gene which somehow doesn't seem right. I guess its recessive then.. T_T~ Sigh... I feel crap knowing that I didn't put the effort I should have in this semester especially since I knew I was falling back each time I sat for one of the mid-semester tests. Why did I become this way? Why have I become someone who puts 'play' as a priority over work even in the face of sure suffering? I think its time I change my ways. Its all good to have fun but when fun intrudes on the rest of life, I need to rethink where I am and where I am going to. Maybe I need to shake off the bad influences on me. I was thinking recently that I need to be less selfless - its not good, but I have to make before I give, I can actually give.

You know what? I'm going to have a mid-year resolution. Sorry world - you're going to see less of me. I need to find limits and I better find it fast before I realise I have wasted 3 years of my life to get nothing out of it. Its time to grow up and identify what is actually good in my life and what is wasting me away. I apologise in advance if an area in my life is disposed off but you see, its a game of survival out there. Cat eat dog? Hhhmm~~

Anways, enough of my musings - time to see the Portugal vs. Cote d'Ivoire game.. it seems pretty aggressive!! (>_<)

"Story-telling Time"

2010-04-04T12:56:00.007+10:00

Today, I 'met' a woman with a mission. She reminded me of one of those characters out of a chick lit book where despite hating her personality, you can't help but want to read more simply because she is so warped and twisted, that it actually makes her interesting. The irony of course being that one could never imagine something fictional materialising in reality - it is actually uncanny how much alike this person is to those depicted in fiction. Maybe it is because I have not had the chance to encounter such a character that I am surprisingly intrigued by her actions and her whimsical charms. So much so, that I would stand-by and observe this intricate dance of refreshing humanity just to satisfy my curiosity of that satirical world. There aren't many opportunities where people can peek into the lives of others and for a life as colourful as hers, it is certainly a rare find.

In all honesty, I have to admit that on the first occasion that I had met her, I was mesmerised. Of course at that time, I didn't realise the chameleon-like layers that lay behind that sweet smile but even so, I would be telling a lie if I did not say that she had a magnetic personality that attracted both guys and girls alike to her. She sat regally at the table, as though holding court, a beautific but yet slightly impish smile plastered on her face as she passed her glance (and judgement) over the people she would soon use as pawns on her chessboard. If one could read her mind, it would be a flurry of wheels turning at an alarming speed; her mental cognition was a sign of what was to come later.

delusional disillusions

2010-04-02T12:31:00.002+11:00

She kneels on the floor, head bowed as the tears fall down her scarred face. Partially hidden by the shadows of the room, she takes slight comfort offered by the cloth of darkness encapsulating her. Shame and guilt mark her features, wrecking the innocence from her young face. She cries not only for herself but for the world that dealt her this hand of cards.

Her tattered thoughts hang precariously over the edge of insanity; one push and she will be lost forever. Looking up, she brings her haunted gaze on the wall in front of her and begins humming a tuneless song; its eerie dissonance calling out to the darkest souls.

straight ::: up

2010-03-16T19:16:00.002+11:00

Crazy, crazy nights. There are things about crazy nights because as fun as they are at that moment in time, why is it that on those days after, we cringe at the thoughts of the incredibly crazily stupid things we did then? Alcohol-induced thoughts are so susceptible to thoughtless acts I think there should be a graph out there showing its positive correlation. Repeating words, saying things that don't make sense, doing things you wouldn't do sober, falling down, laughing hysterically are all signs of a big night out but when you think about the fall-backs experienced the day after, whether be that the embarrassment that accompanies it or the throbbing ache in your head - is it worth it? I haven't as yet come to this conclusion but I am guessing with the vast majority of uni students experiencing it over their weekends, or heavens forbid, weekdays, there must be some kind of answer. Even if it is a subjective one.

My days coming up in March seem to be packed with events and things I should be doing and going for. When I decided to update my diary calendar today, I was pretty shocked to see that the page was considerably full with times, dates and short descriptions of what the events were. Don't misinterpret me into thinking that I do not want to go to these events but I merely mean to say that the combination of the whole load of them seems to be just, in fact; an OVERload. I know even if one has a line of fun events queued up, it can be tiring and actually in the long term, potentially remove the 'fun-ness' of it all. Not that I only have fun events, what with the two tests coming up for MCB and Genetics but I think even in an ideal world where there is a mountain load of fun, the word 'fun' itself loses its meaning. I'm just hoping to get through the next few weeks unscathed. Even now, I find it so difficult to concentrate, sit down and study. It seems that I haven't as yet recovered from my holiday phase which is actually quite worrying because if I don't buck up, I'm going to see the consequences very soon. So anyone out there... give me some motivation and tips for a longer span of concentration? I'm in DIRE need of it.

Plus, I think I need to create boundaries for myself. It seems now to me I am getting very consumed with one aspect of my life and I need to find my balance again. As Buddha did say, "always choose the middle path", I have to find that middle again because I am swaying off the side of the cliff and any moment now and I will just tip off it. I hope dad passes me those prayers soon because I think it will help me to pray a bit everyday. To be honest, over the holiday I have felt a need to connect myself more spiritually which has never really occurred to me before. I am a Buddhist but not a particularly active one even if I do believe. Maybe it is because I can feel myself moving off the track that I need to seek comfort in something larger than me, larger than my life. Anyways, I have spent enough time procrastinating (again) and should get back to glycolysis or glycogenesis or whatever they are called.

Toodles!

sometimes your 1st scars will never fade

2010-03-08T21:46:00.002+11:00

I miss Bangkok - I want to go home.

Or maybe I am running away from the responsibilities that seem to be binding me to the unwanted. Can I construct a hideaway and crawl inside it? Blind myself and close my senses to this frightening world? Will the waves sweep me away and wash me to a deserted island without the need of human interaction?

It doesn't help that I am listening to all my Thai songs again and reminiscing of life back there. I thought I wouldn't be one of those people pining for home but I guess I can't help this instinctual feeling. Maybe it isn't home I am missing but the knowledge that I can get by from day to day without having to really be alive. I like living in a semi-vegetative state where all I have to think about is how to get from the morning to the evening without feeling bored. I'm hating MBC and am actually wondering whether I will survive the course. I don't feel any motivation to study anymore. Can I just go back home? I never even intended to ever studying Medicine so why am I even considering it? I couldn't give a damn about the road not taken at this moment in time.

Don't rain on me when I am soaked. Soaked to the skin.

Köln-ing~ (part 1)

2010-02-09T04:33:00.009+11:00

Hello peeps!

I figured I would blog while the memories are still fresh in my mind of the last weekend I spent in Düsseldorf. It was a brilliant one - one I don't think I will forget for sometime simply because I haven't done so many new things in the span of 2 days before. As I blogged in my previous post, I went to Köln for the Saturday and then had the football game on Sunday. Add to that a couple of pitchers of beer and learning some crazy Fortuna Düsseldorf football songs and you can get some kind of picture of what it was like. LOL :) So Saturday, I woke up relatively early so I could grab some breakfast from REWE before heading to the main station to meet up with Katerina. We had planned to meet at platform 15 at around 10.50 so that we could catch the train at 10.58 to head to Köln where we would meet Michael. Michael was another intern that was writing his master thesis at Cognis but he had actually finished 2 Fridays earlier. He is from Köln so he was our default 'tour guide' for the day~

So the first thing we see when we step out of the station is the HUGE Köln Dom! And it really is humongous. Apparently people say that if you were to take photos from whichever part of the city skyline, you will always get some part of the Dom inside the photo which is incredible. Now, according to Michael, there has been no point in time when the Dom has not had some part in construction because they are always doing reparations to it. So on the day we went, there was a big green scaffold covering one side of the building. But I have to say I didn't expect the structure itself to be so black. And its not like cool black but that dirty black you get from the pollution of cars or whatever like on flyovers or the side of bridges. Not pretty, but I guess the majestic design itself allows people who go and visit the Dom to excuse that part of the building. There were so many people there and I have to admit, the most number of Asians I have seen accumulated in one spot since I have arrived in Europe. I had to stop myself from pointing out at these faces when I saw them - really.. I was that excited! Haha~

We decided to climb up the Dom because I guess that is what everyone does when they go there. In total there are 509 steps and the steps itself are the ones which wind themselves up in a cylindrical shape where the diameter itself is tiny. I would even suggest that at times it was a bit claustrophobic because the same set of steps are used to go up and down so when you are jostling with people, attempting not to miss a footing and pressed against the wall, it doesn't help if you are scared of small spaces. It is also a bit daunting when you can hear the sounds of people's heavy breathing as you climb up the stairs. But we did it!! In the end when I reached the top, I was sooooo hot that I had to take off my jacket. And I was on the top of the Köln Dom in my t-shirt surrounded by all these farang wrapped up in their winter clothes at like 4 degrees Celsius! Lol - that was super funny! I took some photos so you guys could see some aspect of what it was like.

Katerina, Michael and I just before heading into the Dom.

The top of the Dom is actually covered in fences made of wire like these so its difficult to take photos of the surroundings, not that we could anyway because of it was crazily foggy that day!

One of the spires of the Dom.

Actually if you walk around the whole platform the entire place is covered in white out or white pen ink which people have used to ink their names saying something like "Jack and Rachel '97". So all of us were disappointed that we didn't think to bring our own white-out to ink our names onto the fungi-like growth of graffiti! We could have written "Katerina, Michael, June 06/02/10" Haha - we had some really crazy jokes up there! There was this one about a coffee machine but I don't think if I explain it, you guys will understand it because I guess its more like an 'in-the-situation' kind of joke. But we were drunk of laughter while coming down the stairs and our laughs got all echo-ey~~

After the Dom experience we walked along the Rhine and the popped into a coffee shop to have some cakes and coffee before we headed off to the main shopping street in Köln. And you could actually see and feel the difference between Köln and Dusseldorf because of the vast numbers of people that were shopping there. It felt almost like Siam Square on a Saturday which was like woah for me. But dammit.. all that smoking outdoors! I think I'm going to be choking out smoke myself soon - its really bad here and I don't particularly like it but it goes with the territory I guess. We didn't shop but just walked through to get the atmosphere of what it was like. We then headed to the grounds of the university where Michael studies at. Coming from Melbourne Uni, where the grounds space is limited it is so crazy to see all these huge pieces of land of just grass. We walked through this huge park where the students have their barbecues and play their football games in the summer. Our South Lawn now seems soo puny compared to what I saw that day.

After all that walking we decided to go to this student area where apparently is a road which is comparative to Bolkerstrasse in Dusseldorf. But it was still a bit too early for that area and none of the pubs were opened so we asked a shopkeeper where we could find a brewerie and he told us the locations and names of 4 big ones and off we headed to find us some beer. Haha~ Katerina was particularly excited to try out the beer that originates from Köln which is called the Kölsch. It is more golden in colour compared to the beer that originates from Düsseldorf which is called the Alt beer which is darker, even almost brown. After tracking down one of the breweries we entered its rotating door and it was like entering a different world. There were already so many people in costume because it was the weekend before Karnival. The types of costumes was superb! I saw a bee, devils, ducks, pirates, leprechauns, hippies.... haha - it was quite a scene. And the people dressing up weren't the young ones, these were people like in their 50s and 60s. Hoho~~ so funny :) So yeah.. we got downed a couple of beers had some food and then basically just headed back to the main station. I was dead-tired by the time I reached my room but looking forward to the football game on the next day.

Argh... I want to continue blogging but I think I will have to make the next one a part 2~ Haha - feeling a bit lazy now~ I'll continue on with Sunday's events tomorrow or something! :)

yellow ribboned Heinemann boxes

2010-02-06T02:17:00.004+11:00

Hi guys!

Lol~ lemme finish my piece of chocolate first... Omg~ it is so good! I bought a box of chocolates to share with my colleagues from this famous bakery in Düsseldorf called the Heinemann Confiserie/Chocolatier. The box was a small white one with about 16 chocolates or 20 chocolates inside and they came in pairs of different varieties. Wow... serious, mind explosion because the taste is crazily heavenly. The first one I tried had like peanut butter taste and omg.. if you know me and my crazy love with peanut butter *ahem, ahem* then you know that I loved, loved, loved this one :) Hehes~ the others were great too but the funny part was that there wasn't that usual pamphlet or booklet inside the box to tell you what the chocolates contained. I guess it makes it more mysterious that way XD

Haha... its now 4.21 pm in the office and I thought I would blog now because tomorrow, I don't think I will have the opportunity because I'll be going to Köln to check the place out. Its another city near Düsseldorf and it takes about a 30 minutes train ride from the main station in Düsseldorf to reach the main station there. Apparently the station there is right near the famous Köln Dome which is the one you see in all the photographs and postcards. It will be awesome to see it up close I guess but I have heard that the pictures don't show the reality because its juxtaposed with some really dodgy places.. Hhhmmm~~ I'll have to see it to see what he really meant by that. I'm also going to check out this Schokolade Museum which I guess you guys can guess is the Chocolate Musuem :) Lol, this post seems to be all about chocolate *not intentional I promise* Apparently you can buy chocolate there which you don't normally get. Still, seeing liquid fountains of chocolate will please me enough! I'm going to see whether I can pick up some stuff from Köln as souvenirs because my search so far hasn't been that successful. All my colleagues here tell me that Köln is "more alternative" which I'm not sure what they meant by that... but I'm getting the idea its more like Melbourne compared to Sydney (if you need a comparison)~

What else... oh yeah! I'll be going to a football game on Sunday with the gang from the office~ Fortuna Düsseldorf against Duisburg. Its like a merseyside derby because the cities are so close but I heard that the stadium is seriously packed for this game. First live football game in a stadium... I wonder how that will go~ We'll be meeting at the Schumacher (pub? I guess) to down some drinks first, maybe it will help numb me against the cold! I promise though... no more full bottles of wine?? (>.<) Especially if my supervisor is going with us! I don't know.. but it reminds me of that time at Culture One and I saw some of my teachers dancing crazily to all the electro funk music. And... the worse part is that during my most recent trip back to visit my school, one of my favourite teachers, actually brought it up in the conversation T_T. He's like "the last time I saw you was I think at Culture One" and I went "errr... yeah~ *embarassed*" rofl. Funny stuff :)

I'm going to have to go soon because I am having dinner with my dad's colleague's family. I have met the wife and him once before but I haven't met their children. I'm wondering whether they will be there since it is a Friday night after all. And then after that, we will be going to the Apollo Variete Theater which is suppose to be showing some kind of magic-mystique show. Sounds interesting!! Totally down my lane :) I'm actually a bit tired and all and I'm not sure I can get through the night without yawning a bit, which isn't really a good sign. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well, or sleeping enough or what not. Oh well~ another late night and early start tomorrow~ Last weekend in Düsseldorf and then next Friday I will be flying back to Bangkok!! Sweet ol' hot krungthep~~ :) hehes~

Anyways, bye for now! I'll update when I can.

P.S. why do all those famous bloggers like to go "wtf". Does it make the blogpost better? Should I do it? Lol. T_T

serenity in the midst of a whirling thunderstorm

2010-02-05T20:18:00.004+11:00

A photo which I took yesterday on the way to a dinner with an old friend of my dad's. I was stunned by the setting sun and the way it made the clouds look absolutely blissful to watch. And check out the knobby trees which are found all over the city. Cute huh? I wish I could catch more moments like this.

p.s. click on the photo for a larger view :)

cold and wet, yet still updating my blog...

2010-01-29T19:23:00.002+11:00

You know there is something really wrong with the guy who has more profile photos on his facebook than you have.... make that nearly 80 photos.. omg... seriously?? How much more into yourself can you be? We learn new things everyday.

Yesterday, I saw a HUGE bird that suspiciously looks like the crow but I'm thinking probably isn't. It is twice the size of an average Klang crow.. maybe even 3 times the size. I kid you not. It was humongous. I thought it would freaking attack me! Haha - but the best part is that because it is so massive in terms of its mass and what not, it doesn't really fly very high. More like around 20 cm above the ground. It is weird seeing a bird of such a size just skimming over the road. And the fact that it is black doesn't help it if a car comes around the corner has smacks head on with it. Imagine bird's innards on display all over the front of your car window. Not a pretty sight - although I guess it would be interesting from a medical perspective. Which reminds me... I've been watching Season5 of Grey's Anatomy over the past week and wow wow wow wow wow..... Sheperd gives Meredith a kidney... in a JAR!! How come no one does that for me?? Argh.. she can have it on her bedside table and when they turn the light off, it GLOWS! How awesome is that??? Damn.... that would be the ultimate best present! But the amount of fat that surrounds kidneys always makes me think of some kind of kidney bean weighing down a ton of cotton candy. Lol - trust me to put it in terms of food T_T~

Yup, yup... SO anyways update update. Erm.. this weekend I shall be going to Essen. Going with another intern :) Her name is Katharina and shes amazing mate! Haha, we'll be doing something like a small road trip down? up? there and just checking out the area around with the culture stuff and what not. I'll finally get to take some photos! I think? Lol - don't know how it will look yet but I shall report back after the weekend :) First things first though... have to get a jacket that isn't blue because the football game I will be going to see next weekend will be a merseyside derby between fortuna dusseldorf and duisburg which is basically the next closest city. And... Duisburg wears the blue jersey... which means, far out - if there is a blue jacket on me... haha... mati dy~ T_T so hopefully tonight when I get off work, boleh search for a jacket at H&M~ Hehes.. ok lah, need to go do work ;) see ya amigos later!

muffin monster:::

2010-01-27T01:38:00.005+11:00

Haha. I was researching for my presentation for work today when I came across this:

So poor thing right??

I mean I have never really thought about it but it could be so true! It just explains why that new trend in Melbourne with all those new "cupcake" stores ONLY sell cupcakes... and not muffins. Oh my, I feel for you poor muffins - you, in the Betty Crocker Ready Mix box instead of being sold in those upperty-dupperty boutique shops where people's noses and fingers are constantly against the glass, pointing out "how cute that one looks" or "how pretty the colours of icing on the other one are". It must be tough living that kind of life. Always being plain Jane in front of the fancy little iced decoration that is so adored by the general population.

But don't worry - I don't complain... I am not a muffin-ist or a cupcak-ist. I will eat BOTH of you because I have no qualms whatsoever! Fear not oh muffin :D I would eat you ANYday~ whether it be a sunny day, rainy day, cloudy day, snowy day *haha.. i can add this one now!* or even just a normal day. I could write odes to muffins, poems to muffins, sing to muffins.....

Oh god, I'm going crazy. Why is the experiment taking so long??? I'm going crazy here fantasising about muffins because I have to wait for butter and water to separate T_T... Anyways, hope you liked my stupid random thoughts! I might just write that poem to the muffin if I do end up that bored. Back to real research now! XD

Cheerios!

and i go poof!

2010-01-24T21:21:00.005+11:00

It's the weekend before I reach my 3 week anniversary in Dusseldorf and I'm psyched that I have survived so long! Ok - to be honest, the 6 weeks here sounded horrendously long when I first started out especially when I didn't know anyone, didn't know the place and last but certainly not least, couldn't speak the language. So far, I have accomplished 2 out of those 3 things and in my defense, learning any language is hard - not just German. Sincere apologies for sounding like a chicken (>.<) But on the bright side I have explored the city a little, seen some of the sights even in the middle of winter, some days with snow, some without and can even successfully get from the youth hostel to work and back everyday without getting lost! Actually about that... you see, normally there are 2 trains which I can take to get to work which is the U 74 and U 77, either to Holthausen or to Benrath and these are the same trains I take back to get into the city center area. And these 2 trains usually have an in-between time of about 8ish minutes, so waiting for the next one isn't such a biggie. It was worse in the beginning when I was getting used to the cold weather and all I could think was "where the hell is that god-damn train?" but now it isn't as bad especially if my earphones are plugged in and all I can hear is Cao Ge or Owl City's newest album *on a side note... I LOVE THIS ALBUM!!! you have to listen to it.. the album name is Ocean Eyes*. But one night I left work pretty late and didn't realise that the frequency changed depending on the time of the day which I guess makes perfect logical sense to people who are always using public transport but for a public transport virgin like me, its so foreign. I have to admit that in Melbourne I am kind of pampered because from Uropa, I can pretty much take any tram to where I want to go because I mostly head to the city or Flinders, and all of them pass by that route - so yeah, I have almost nil experience of being a public transport person. In Bangkok, I only use the BTS to go to the dentist and to the shopping areas and sometimes to school which already is like once in a purple dotted, pink striped moon. I am so "katak di bawah tempurung" on all these stuff :) Anyways, back to the story, when I checked the times on the board I saw that the next train (U 77 or U 74) will be in 20 or so minutes and I was like "WHAT!!" literally.. Ok - more like.. wtf.. but you know - censored stuff XD The only other way I could reach the city earlier was if I decided to go on one of the street trams instead of the trains which was kind of foreign to me because I didn't know what kind of route it took and where it went and all that. But I checked the table on the board and one of the stations was labelled "Steinstraße" which is the station I usually get off on the train. So feeling like taking a risk, I hopped onto the 701 street tram and hoped to heavens high that I would arrive at some place I actually recognise. The first few stations were all good, because they were the ones that the trains past by as well until we reached a fork in the road and the street tram turned the corner. Haha - after that I was seriously so so so so so so lost - I didn't recognise anything or any place! And the worse part was that I saw this whole load of Germans who got onto the tram and then get off after 2 or so stations because they realised they didn't recognise where they were going as well. Talk about freaking me out T_T~ But in the end, I got off at the station I intended to get off at even if I didn't recognise where I was. Panic did set in for sometime until I saw something like the U-Bahn sign which is a white capital U set in a light blue background in the distance (which is the sign for the train). I figured that if I entered the station I would know where I am at and if worse comes to worse, I could take the train to the next station which was also walking distance back to my place.

All in all, I did arrive back home after suffering severe shocks wondering whether I would make it back home. I really don't like that feeling though when you feel so lost it isn't funny anymore. So to say that I was relieved when I got back to a place I recognised would probably be an understatement. Hehes - so nowadays before I go out in the weekends I'm avidly checking google maps and drawing out mini maps on my notebook which I could show you guys when I get back. Google maps is my official saviour, plus it lists all the important stuff on the map like the 2 bookstores which sell english books as well as this famous chocolatier/dessert shop called Cafe Heinemann XD

As you see, it is the stuff that totally matters! :) Weirdly enough I have not had a Starbucks drink since I have arrived in Dusseldorf. Hhhmmmm, maybe it is time to change this record :) I did change my 'no shopping for clothes and other not so necessary stuff' record yesterday though - a slight shopping spree that I still cringe a little thinking about it. But I finally got a pair of converses after living in mid-calf high boots for 3 weeks. I really think that isn't healthy - and the boots are really heavy, I feel like I'm doing weights each day after walking around with them. Even in HK, when I got them from Tsim Sha Tsui area, walking around with it in a bag was knackering! Together with the shoes, I got 2 blouses from Zara (haha - old habits die hard! I have gotten clothes from Zara in all the countries I visited this summer hols ^^) and 2 books to keep me awake on the train when I go to work each morning XD So successful shopping trip? I would think so~ I think my dad wouldn't say it in those terms though T_T oopsie daisies~ In our defence, not shopping is like going against the laws of nature for girls - its like going against Darwin's theory of evolution. Lol - oh yeah, on that note.. there is some news that I read recently that actually suggests that Darwin may have been wrong and that Lamarck may actually have been partially correct on his giraffe prediction. If that is true, wow, it will just cause whole foundations of theories to fall through. Scary thought much....

Still on the bright side, I received word that the bags and the notepads for Orientation is ready! Yay!!!!!! :) Hehes - Super psyched about that :) I hope it came out as well as I expected it to~ Will have to see whether I can get photos sent to me :) *does happy dance* Haha - not literally, my roommate will think I've gone insane if I really did do some dance moves T_T I mean, she is a professional ballerina.. so not the best idea! But that is the only part of the whole CMG thing that I am happy about now because I don't since yesterday, some kind of gloom has set over me whenever I think of the club. I really shouldn't be this depressed about it but I don't know.. my heart feels heavy when my thoughts pass through that way - not a good start to a year that hasn't even really started. Damn! Hate this... 幸せ時間を思いたい I don't even know whether my 日本語 is correct~ Haha :) nvm

I can't even put a title on this

2010-01-22T08:13:00.007+11:00

My heart is heavy as I feel the weight on my shoulders, the end of the long day pushes on me. I want to lie down and forget it all but it is only a momentary rest; I only put off the inevitable. I wish to doze off and sleep soundly, hoping to wake up and realise it was a dream but I know deep down that all these are lies to myself. It won't be the same without you for sure and I'm afraid to understand what life will be back in Melbourne when you are no longer around. It's the echoes of memories that will be around the corner as we pass the street we joked at, took photos at, and simply goofed around. There will be times you wonder as to how such a large imprint has been left onto our lives, just merely knowing someone for a relatively short time. I don't know what I fear the most, either what has happened or what will come. I think it is the fear of the future that creates a cold sweat.

In this international society where meetings and departures occur so frequently it shouldn't come as a shock any longer, but it nevertheless hurts to know that time, that constant moving facade, will pass and we will stay as stagnant beings - our lives too short to have even understood what the true meaning of time is. And as we look down into the abysmal and dark setting around us, with the light to our backs - will we really have lived life as it was meant to be lived? Or have we mocked ourselves into believing that we have lived on the edge, and experienced all that was available to us. The faces that we see everyday may very well be the faces that we pass on the street; infallible, unrecognisable, and incomprehensible. I wish to be happier and this moment. I wish I could say that tomorrow will be a better day but at this point, I cannot. The truth is harsh - facing up to it is harsher. When will we escape this cruel cycle? When will we live for the day?

on second thoughts......

2010-01-19T07:17:00.008+11:00

I don't know what to blog about. It's like a mental block that forms each time I make up my mind to update this so-called diary of mine~ But I mean who really wants to know what you ate for lunch or what you plan to eat for breakfast? It's like telling people every minute, every second of your life which I guess if you had the wit and the humour to write about it without people realising that these aren't probably the best topics in the world, then you have surpassed the amateurs and have entered the professional league. I confess that I wouldn't even dream of being able to do that simply because I don't believe my life is exciting enough or warrants enough attention for people to bother about it: which has led me to the final conclusion that why should I personally bother about it if others aren't going to. This could be purely a superficial concept of mine but I think it resonates throughout everyone. Humans were not born to be hermits. We are, by nature, social creatures. This is why when we are young, we find cliques in schools, groups which we can associate with. I mean, how else would you explain what-I-would-call the "school canteen phenomena"?

Let me elaborate. Picture yourself... there is that 13-year old kid, fresh out of middle school and into the BIG school. Your uniform is crisp and clean and it is the first day of school. Having survived the first few classes of the day, you feel ok - it wasn't as bad as you expected and you seemed pretty confident now that you have survived those few hours. But then comes the lunch bell - everyone rushes to get their lunch at the canteen and the tables start to fill. You grab your tray, ladle out your food on your plate (whether it is a mountain of food or not, I'll leave it to your imagination) and start to move towards the seating area. For just one moment in time, that time before you have found your group of friends sitting in the crowd, you panic. You have a slight nauseous feeling and you freak out a bit - 'what if you have to sit alone? what if you have no place to sit? what if you have to sit with seniors?' All these kind of questions pop up in your head until just at the last minute before you pull a 180 and scram out of the doors, you see a familiar face and peace is restored in the world once more.

I don't know whether this example resonates with you but I feel that even from a young age we are given a feeling of safety and reassurance simply by sticking with the same group all the time. This is something we repeat over and over again whether we are in our teens, our 30s, our 50s... time itself does not play a role here which is why every time we move or make a drastic change to our social bearings, we experience what I would imagine a fish does when it is pulled out of the water. Why do I bring this up? Well - oddly enough I have experienced this exact same thing when I started work this month. Frankly, I don't know why it should be so awkward for me when I have had many of these experiences in my life already: in Bangkok when I first entered in Year 4, when entering high school, when entering Senior Studies and finally when I entered uni. Maybe it is because each time we are removed from our normal surroundings, we are forced to acclimatise and undergo something like a social reconditioning. It makes it a ton worse if you don't know the culture and you are afraid of doing something wrong, or something out of place. I mean, who wants to have the label "FARANG" on their forehead just because of some small gesture or mannerism?

This probably explains why in the first few days I was here and having lunch with my colleagues, my eyes were darting around the table always checking to see what is right, or what seemed to be the status quo. Haha - extremely weird as it may be, I think that most of us who experience these kind of circumstances do it automatically. For example, I have realised that like the cars on the German road which have the driver's seat on the left side of the car, the pedestrians or people walking on the streets also have a tendency to walk on the right side of the road when passing others. This was so weird for me because in Asia, it is the opposite way round but it is something I do instinctively without realising which is why when I came here, I could only feel the difference. Who knew that driving on the road actually affected the way people walk on the sidewalk? But I am rambling - there is actually no point to this post except to put my thoughts down onto 'paper' or so that you can see what crap actually fills my head. I have a lot of time to think nowadays especially with the 10 minute walks to the train station, the 30 minute ride on the train to work and the 15 minutes walk from the front gate to the building I work at. It must come to no surprise then that I think a lot. I have actually compiled a small collection of what facebook statuses I could post just from thinking during these short walks. I'll post it up next time - although why you would want to see the dribble that I come up with.... :) Till then! Tschüs! XD

Guten Tag!

2010-01-10T22:16:00.008+11:00

Hehes~ Hallo! I'm in Germany! To be more precise, I'm in my room, looking out on the snowy rooftops of the buildings near mind in Kolpinghaus (where I'm currently boarding) in Dusseldorf. It was snowing this morning but it seems like it has stopped but even so I think I'm going to be having a lazy Sunday afternoon in. Just to give you a taste of what the picture is like....

Yup! First time I've seen snow so its a pretty big deal for me. I don't know where I read in one of those horoscope things for 2010 but it said I will be 'going on a trip' which I guess in a way turned out quite true. This trip to Germany will be a milestone for me in many ways. First, I am truly away from the family which is new for me even if I have been to uni overseas but since I have been living with my brother, you could almost say I chose the safe option. Secondly because there is a HUGE language barrier here which I will force me to learn something at least! Did you know? There are about 2 bookshops in Dusseldorf with English books which I guess is mind-blowing especially for someone who survives on books the whole time. But worry not peeps, I did bring some books to tide me over this period! Or not I swear I will be English starved for these 5 weeks or so~ I'll be so gaunt! Haha but its ok, it's all in the experience.

So where to start? Haha - the first day here was a crazy one when I got settled into the youth hostel which although isn't a fantastic place is pretty livable and best of all, quite cheap. Sure, I would love to have an ensuite bathroom but c'est la vie :) I'm sharing the room with a girl from Japan. Her name is Erina and she's here to study ballet for about a year. She arrived in October and will be staying until July I believe but at the moment, I'll be in the room alone as she has flown to Vienna for a few days and will only be arriving back on the 17th Jan. Yup! That means the whole room is here at my expense - although to be honest I don't believe I'll be using it much especially with early starts like waking up at 6.30 for work. Like seriously.. I head out to work in the dark and by the time I get back from work.. it's dark already. I'm missing my sunshine!! It's hard for a girl from Bangkok! I'm losing my vitamin D by the minute! Of course, it doesn't help that I'm in a room all day~

The public transport system is a maze I tell you! I was making this comment to my dad just yesterday. On the most non-existent level of public transport systems lies KL which has such a small range of stops, you really don't get to go anywhere without using a car. Next comes Bangkok with its MRT and BTS which is relatively ok but enough to get around the city. I guess with the planned extensions it will be even better but so far, its pretty mediocre with only 2 lines on the BTS. The next one up is HK's MTR system which is *pretty* extensive with all these lines running over both Kowloon and HK island. The number of stations there can really "do" one's head in and its seriously a challenge remembering the name of the stations! Although for those who grew up there *ahem* its like breathing air! Haha but yeah... I thought that was bad... until I came here and saw... this:

Complicated or what? Ahaha - I think I almost fainted after I saw this! Lol - and the stops aren't even really labelled as stops, just simply thicker white lines on the coloured lines. It's pretty I guess with all the colours but at close-up... haha~ crazy stuff! Thankfully I have learnt enough to get me to work, to get from work which is located at Holthausen, quite further down south from where I live which is near the Alstadt area. Oh - I also was introduced to several asian groceries and restaurants in the (I guess what could be considered as the) Asian quarter of Dusseldorf on Oststraße. Good stuff!! They even have 'yau char kway' there! Hehes :)

OK lah ... I think I have written enough for today~ Feeling like eating some of my Bengawan Solo biscuits that I brought over~ :) I'll update more later! Tschüs!! XD

2010::: here we go!

2010-01-05T01:20:00.005+11:00

Hey guys! Long time no see (X_X).... Yes, yes - its a long overdue update to this blog. I'll have to clean off the cobwebs and start of anew because as you all know a new year has started and 2010 has taken off its hand and begun its twirly dance. As I listen to Mika's latest album (The Boy Who Knew Too Much) I'm thinking of how to lay out this post in the best way possible; hopefully in a way that prevents any one of you from pressing the "X" button before you've read through to the end. Well, today marks a crossroad in my life because tomorrow night at midnight I will be flying off to Dusseldorf, Germany via Vienna and starting a small but new chapter in 2010. For 6 weeks I will be diving into the research labs, in the hope of feeling what it is really like in the world of the 'working people' and gain a better understanding of what "biocatalysis in the field of fats and oils" actually means. Well that is my idealistic, whimsical view on what I'm hoping to do but don't worry I will be hoping to tell you guys the full and "could be" dreary truth when I have the chance to during those 6 weeks.

Already, the craziness has started with my packing today..... Oh gawd, packing is NOT good especially packing for a climate of which I have no experience with WHATSOEVER (T_T). And the weather reports show that the average over the next few weeks will be around 0 degrees. Seriously, if I find the winter in Melbourne already a bit cold, I don't think I'm going to be able to use my brain much only because it will be on a permanent brain freeze without the consumption of any slurpies~ Which you know forbids good news for an intern who already has no clue what she will be doing there.... plus the fact she is sure that her brain has turned into mush as soon as she had walked out of the REB's grand doors after the last stats exam. I don't actually think I have packed enough but I'll have to deal with it when I reach there I guess. I'll be sharing with another person in a youth hostel around a 15 minutes train ride away from the office's headquarters which should be an experience by itself because I have never really had a roommate before not counting all those residentials where you know who you are staying in a room with. Hopefully everything will work out fine with that :) I checked out some photos online and they don't look too bad - they kind of remind me of Unilodge for some reason so I guess it isn't too much a stab in the dark! Gosh, I sound so pampered but the truth is I probably have led quite a sheltered life. Haha - now's the time to step out of my comfort zone!!

Ok.. seriously.. knowing that I have almost zilch knowledge of German freaks me out! It's going to be bad.. I know it - I can feel it in my bones~ (I feel it in my fingers, I feeeel it in my toes!) But what can one do except futilely struggle in the hopes that maybe I'll learn a sentence or two. Sorry in advance to my 'German teacher' in Melbourne, lol - I don't think I will be of much use in conversing to when I get back [T.T] Gomennasai-ne!! XD

Lol - I'm feeling lazy to blog now... Aiks - and I still havent even started talking about what I did during New Years in.... guess it??? Hong Kong!!!! XD whee~~ I was soooo excited with that trip, I kid you not! And then once I have had tasted the egg-tarts from Tai Cheong, I felt the whole trip satisfied! Haha - of course not lah....I'm not so superficial, but it was partially satisfying! I got to meet Sherman and Yoyo there as well plus the visiting CMGians: Shermayne, CK and Wei Chi. So.... I obviously have a lot to blog about! Oh, oh.. and I got boots! Like seriously, I am in [LOVE] with this pair of boots which I have got - it looks kind of military and chunky but androgynous as well~ I'm finding my inner tom-boy! Lol XD ok... going to rewatch Full House now! Night nights little ones! :)

P.S. Thought I'll just do the lazy thing and pop in some photos from the HK trip~ XD

doing the whole movie starwalk avenue thingamajjig~ :) posed with Bruce Lee too! XD But I forgot to do his signature pose (T.T)

At Times Square, posing with this cool bear which from what I learnt, is a famous character from a series of children books :) So na rak though! XD

Eating some goodies whilst walking around! I didn't get to take a photo of the pudding we ate that night though... it was HEAVENLY~~~ XD

Egg tarts, egg tarts, egg tarts... need I say more??? It's not the famous one but the colour in the photo looked too great to not post it up! XD I could lie in egg-tart clouds anyday! XD Haha

A Story Forgotten

2009-12-22T15:04:00.005+11:00

Once gone, never forgotten,
Softly the memories will shine,
Brightly, pulsing and glowing,
Like the flame of candlelight.

The dangling links on the chains of a watch,
Seem fragile but in the moment,
They are stronger than life itself,
Bridging the gap between life and death.

Emotions are depthless,
Pools of hidden waters,
Their surfaces barely touched,
Rippling and cascading.

But hope and celebration will shine,
As a beacon of comfort,
Always and after.

Just a little poem that I found when I was rummaging through my stuff the other day. I wrote it when I had just entered the first year of IB and if I remember correctly it was in one of my TOK lessons - not that TOK lessons were boring. Not at all! They were probably one of lessons which I actually looked forward to during the week but as students... you know the mind tends to wander and stone :) But yeah, I hoped you enjoyed it~ I also found some photos taken when I was in Year 5 during my residential. Oh my gawd.. haha :) But yeah, if I find a scanner, I'll try to post it up and embarrass myself XD

A photo story on Wednesday:::::

2009-12-10T13:45:00.005+11:00

Grilled Mediterranean vegetables with Pesto sauce. Seriously the pesto sauce from Greyhound is undefeated! I tried to make it once and it tasted nothing like the one from this restaurant. Hhhmmm - I don't think I have tasted something like this in Melbourne either....

Pan-fried seabass on a bed of mash potatoes with tomato salsa. Yummmyyy~~~ =)

Pretty Xmas tree on the table! It did remind me of one of those metal scrubs used to clean dishes and what not though =.='''

We had dinner at Greyhound the other day and this is a photo of what was written on the wall. I'm not sure about you guys but somehow those simple words resonated very well with me; it is what I would love to do everyday given I had the time and the freedom to do so!

Starbucks time!!! Lol. Knowing how cheap it is here now compared to Bangkok, I have been a constant visitor to the Starbucks around Bangkok. So much so I have in mind a list of the ones which make better Classic Hot Chocolates! :) But yeah.. it helps when my dad loves Starbucks more than I do.

I was bored at Starbucks yesterday so I started to sketch the drawing on the book I was currently reading. I know the movie version has come out but I sincerely believe all books are better than films. So once I finish this book (which is a really good read by the way, it has been some time since I have fallen in love with a novel), I'll compare it to the film and see how it goes. Bags the book though!

The leisurely and totally whimsical life in Bangkok

2009-12-09T00:23:00.005+11:00

Hello people!! I am obviously totally and utterly in Bangkok now that the summer months have swung by. I would love to say it's good to be back home but I'm not entirely sure where home is anymore. Not something that I am totally foreign with considering that for the first few years that I lived in Thailand, I still considered myself Malaysian but gradually I realised I had almost no ties with the place, I didn't know the geography, I can't speak the language (well.. up to standard 3 level if that counts for anything) and I felt like a fish-out-of-water every time I went back to visit. Home became Thailand for me and since I have had lived 10 years in Bangkok, I shouldn't be surprised. I thought when I returned back from Melbourne, I would have trouble figuring out to speak Thai again because I haven't really had the chance to converse in Australia but it came back quite naturally. Of course there were the occasional mind-blocks when it comes to searching for certain words like the names of the months! Oh my gosh... never really got a hang on those anyways (+.o)

So... yeah, got side-tracked there. Hhmm... what have I been up to in Bangkok? Well besides repeated shopping trips to Paragon and Central World where I think I have attained some job position in haunting the Zara outlets in both places, I don't believe I have been up to much. I have been getting some good stuff lately though especially clothes for working in Germany. I never thought I would wear a high-top skirt but I got a pair. I hope it doesn't look that bad! And.. I got boots!!! Another pair which I adore. It's grey and looks pretty fab if I say so myself :)
Haha. I wish I could say I've been doing a lot of cheap shopping but I realised that I have gained a significant amount of weight since I was in Melbourne and unless you are Thai size which is like tiiiiinnnnnyyyyyy~~~, it's pretty much impossible to get those cheap clothes. It is ok though, I will just confine myself to buying cheap earrings and accessories!

Let's see.. today - I went for my first ever manicure and pedicure which was an interesting experience I guess, since I haven't been pampered in that way before. I got to choose my colour and everything~ Ok... bimbo part over :) But it is a pretty nice purply metallic colour with a darker shade of pink mixed somewhere in between - not bad for someone who has never worn nail polish on her toenails before. And yes.. every half an hour or so, I do like at my feet just to see how pretty it looks :) So after that we went home and I was pretty tired from doing pretty much nothing so I took a small nap and then woke up to bake the cookies I was planning to bake 2 days or so ago. The recipe was called 'Lemon Stars' but the final product was less cookie and more cake-like and less stars and more like clumps of cup-cakes. Haha - totally a success as a cake mixture but not really as cookies. I had substituted some stuff in the recipe though like the corn meal I added was really fine instead of the coarse ones which were asked for and I had used wholemeal flour instead of all-purpose flour so differences were expected. Ok.. so the morphological structure wasn't exactly the same but ooh, the flavour and texture is good! The lemon zest really adds a punch to the dessert. Yummm~~~ I'll post up some photos with this post so you guys can see what I made :)

pre-xmas in bangkok~

2009-12-07T03:56:00.004+11:00

welcome to the city of angels!

2009-11-29T02:05:00.004+11:00

Hello everyone! Long overdue blog update I should think. But then again, its been such a hectic week getting things done before I leave from Melbourne that I think I have a slight excuse - just a slight one :) But all is well in the hot, hot, hot kingdom of Thailand if I say so myself. I have had nothing but long shopping sprees from day to night since I have landed in this shopping paradise-of-a-country and the midnight sales occurring at 2 of the biggest shopping mall chains, Central and Paragon/Emporium doesn't exactly help me stay a saint. So... to clock it up into perspective, about AUS $350 spent on the first day itself. Oh gosh... not good at all *shakes head in disbelief*. I feel guilty, I do! But at the same time selfishly blissfully happy to have gotten the stuff I did. Then again, it shows you how good shopping is here! *ahem* To the people who know who you are, you guys HAVE to plan a trip to Bangkok next summer ok, ok? I'll even put it in a Minnie Mouse-like voice and act all cute to persuade you guys to come! Ok -maybe not the act cute bit, but I'll practice my high toned voice during the holiday! I promise :D

I was thinking today whilst I was walking towards dinner (@ Grossi!!! in Bangkok!!!) that one week ago, I was doing a completely different thing in a completely different city with completely different people. It isn't that crazy I guess but it just seems a bit unreal to me still. For example, last Saturday, I went to donate blood for the first time in my life with Jeans, her brother Jax, the All Black One and Taro at the Australian Red Cross donation centre in Southbank. Ok, it hurt in the beginning when she poked in the needle which looked quite huge and it surely hurt the few days after when lifting my arm was a pain in the arse but overall it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be simply because it was such an amazing experience. I can't wait to find out what blood type I am! Haha - probably that was the biggest motivation for me to do it. To tell the truth, I was quite surprised to see so many people in the waiting room that day but the whole experience has quite an effect on a person I guess and to be able to say I did that before I turned 20 seems like an achievement to me. Most of the readers of this blog would have read what happened at the clinic with Taro and since it was her story to tell, I won't go into the details as her blog retells it nicely and I simply won't be able to do justice since I was still giving blood as the wheelchair and fan were quickly brought to the refreshments area. She's fine obviously but I think she gave the poor 16 yr old in our group quite a shock! Good thing he was there though!

Ooooh yes! I had a BRILLIANT yum cha session for a pre-bday lunch at Gold Leaf restaurant located at Harbour Town in the Docklands area with my besties (as someone puts it =.=)!! The food was so good and the people celebrating it with me made it even sweeter. They even surprised me with this unbelievably crazy scrapbook which was compiled by my closest of friends in Melbourne - Jeans, Taro, Bunny and the All Black One. But everyone who has had made an impact on my life in Melbourne contributed to it by writing little notes inside. Together with the ton of photos which I have collected over my first year at university (some of which make me cringe because I always make stupid faces during photo sessions!), the book is so much more than what I could have imagined. Thank you so much guys! I know I have probably said it sooo many times now, but I really need to stress how much I appreciate it! You have made this girl's 20th birthday so much more special :) As quoted from my facebook photo album "THANK YOU Jason Mooi, Genie Ooi, Phoebe Ling, Stephanie Hew, YokeYee Cheng, Matthew Kwok, Lachlan Lin, SieKieh Lau, Selvie Go, Caballe Chau, Tse Han Tai, Derek Jon Chir, Yik Kai Kat. Chan, Sherman Lee, Elena Yan, YiLee Loke, Ann Boo, Haur Wey Tan, Edwin Kok Sian Ngan, Bec Tai, Liau Ruishan, Bengsze Hong, Ken Wynn Chan, Grace Hii Siau Jin, Jean Ni Cheong AND Jolene Ng Zhuo Lin for the AMAZINGLY, WONDERFUL birthday scrap book~ =D I ♥ it so, so much!!! :)" I did try to post it up as a status but it told me I couldn't tag more than 6 people in my status bar. Booyah to facebook for that!!

Dinner was taken at Peko Peko which is an adorable, cute, little Taiwanese restaurant located in Southbank. Designed to be a really artsy cafe, this place serves Taiwanese food in Japanese bento boxes. Ahh - bliss I tell you!! I could just rock up to the place because of the way I love the whole set-up. The cute little alien logos, the funny portraits on the walls and the way they name their coffee machine makes me love the place even more. Definitely going to check it out more next semester! So dinner didn't exactly go as planned and I ended up losing a bit of my temper which I shouldn't have. Damn these emotions, they always play up when they shouldn't. I would first like to apologise to the people present that night for the fact that work topics always seemed to encroach into the dinner talk as well as the fact that the atmosphere was so tense. I intended it to be a fun night and I can't help but feel so sorry for having my dinner guests put up with what turned out to be not such an awesome night. But things as they are have a way of moving on and thats what I'm going to do, move on in life. One hour till I turn 20 and I am still trying to grasp an understanding of how people work. Well, for sure its going to be a lifetime discovery so I don't think I'm falling behind just yet. On a plus side, this year I will be getting 2 birthday cakes, one of which I have had already had in Melbourne. My brother bought it for me even if it was such a hassle arranging to get it because he had to order it before going to work at 7 am and could only pick it up after the closing hours of the shop. Bunny took some photos of it and I'll post it up soon; seriously good cheesecake!! Thanks ko!

Aiks.. I'm getting tired. A sign of old age? I hope not. Although.... the number of white hairs in my hair is a tad worrying. But then again, I have always had them so I shouldn't be too troubled by it. Anyhoos my darling readers, I'm off to bed! Maybe the sky will be brighter tomorrow when I wake up a brand new 20 year old?? We'll see =) Till then! Tally Ho!!! :)

Entschuldigung:::

2009-11-22T00:09:00.006+11:00

Well... exams are finally over and I have to say I feel "elatedly deflated" which shouldn't surprise me because the bathos after the climax is often rather steep. I would love to feel a bit more about the whole idea that I have technically finished my first year but it is either that it hasn't sunk in yet or it just won't. I'm taking my bets on the latter simply because it IS me we are talking about here. Of course, the idea of receiving the results of this semester's exams is daunting and dampens the jubilant atmosphere because deep, deep, deep down under all that layers of self-denial and stubbornness, I am scared of what they will show. I seriously do not want to fail any first year subject even if it were a subject which I have never shown an affinity for such as statistics or physics. But then I do not have a crystal ball, so worrying about it now will not do me any good except perhaps to give me premature wrinkles! (T.T) So for the time being, I am oblivious to the truth. On the plus side, I am excited that I have finally chosen to specialise in Genetics. Even if this semester's Biology exam was crazy hard and made my head twirl in dimensions that I didn't know existed, I welcome the challenge which is quite a change from the usual parroting of facts. It is good to know that we DO have a cranial capacity of 1400ml but it would be nicer to be able to actually do something with that brain size.

So what did I do the first thing I could when "freedom" was unleashed? I did what any normal, typical Asian kid would do in today's up-and-coming society. -.........- I went for karaoke!! Gosh, I never would in a million years think I would actually be doing something like this in Melbourne simply because I have never seen such culture exploited. I have heard from Bunny and Taro that this sort of experience is vastly widespread in Malaysia and Singapore but I guess, the trend skipped Thailand along the way. But.... oh-my-word, our CMG committee can SING! The voices were so, so, so incredible: so incredible that our Minnie Mouse actually asked to someone to turn off the accompanying audio when in fact, it wasn't even on! I'm almost so green with envy, it is going to colour my face ugly but I guess there are the gifted and then there are people like me. Quick, someone pass me a paper bag - I'll cut out two holes and stuff it on my head! Anonymity seems encouraging at times~ I remarked to my mum the other day saying how it was unfair that some people were blessed with talent like a heavenly voice but I guess that is what makes each of us different. Do I have any good qualities then? I'll ponder that over the weekend although I seriously doubt I will come up with any sincere answers.

But besides all this shenanigans, I have been thinking about things and life as I usually do. Actually more so than the usual because during my impromptu German lesson today, the conversation we had sparked some interesting thoughts and ideas; ideas so deep that it hit me to the core. I would love to share it with you but to be honest, I don't think I would be able to do justice in their articulation. The only thing I will say is that I feel inspired to be more, to be better and to get rid of my current languid attitude.

Anyhoo, that is all for tonight! As they say, "Guten Abend!" Hehes. I should try to blog some stuff in German - like really, really basic German. All I know at the moment off the top of my head is something like, "Ich heiße June" - sehr gut ya? :) YAY - does happy dance! Anyways, I have got to go a shake off an annoying pest!!

in love with this song:::

2009-11-14T11:51:00.003+11:00

Candle Light - Koda Kumi

夜になるとほんと
切なさがぎゅっと
どうしようもなくて

一番近くにいたはずだったのにね
もういない

誰よりもわかっていると
思っていたのにね

あの頃のふたり
恋人のように
キャンドルライトを
もう一度灯したい

あなたを一番そばで困らせて
ほんとにごめんね
もう一度あの頃戻りたい

宝物すぎてそう
大切に包みしまっておいたら
本当の意味を見失っていたんだね
ふたりの時間は止まっているけど
大切に想う

繋がっていたい
手と手を合わすように
目をつぶってても
あなたしか見えない

あなたがこれから
守ってゆくあの子へ
ふたりでこれから
キャンドルライトを
灯していてね

willy wonka - throw me up into the air!

2009-11-14T00:05:00.005+11:00

I want to sit in the corner of my room and bow my head down in defeat,
I wish to close my eyes to the spinning images in my head,
I hope to hide under my blanket and feel like I'm playing 'make-believe' again,
Just as I did when I was five years old.

I would love to lick a Paddle Pop even as its colours melt onto my face,
I dream of catching the shooting star passing by and wishing on it a thousand more wishes,
I imagine jumping on a trampoline and flying high, high, high into the sky,
With nothing but the whims and fancies of life on my mind.

I hope to travel around the world and encapture its hidden beauty in my heart,
Or simply to delicately pluck a daisy's petals; "he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me..."
I remember the prickly excitement of having cotton candy in one hand, a soft toy in another,
Looking forward to the next ride of rotating tea-cups or carnival unicorns.

As I look back on the first (almost) 20 years of my life, I can't help but think back onto my childhood, the people in my life, my aspirations and my dreams. Just 2 weeks before my teenage years finally end, I wonder if I rebelled enough or made enough noise to be heard. I think about what kind of person I will be in another 20 years time - will I regret or celebrate the moments in life? Will I be happy with the person I will become? In another 20 years, I will be 40. 20 on from then, I will be 60. Time feels like it is passing too fast and in terms of a person's lifetime, it is probably merely one grain of sand in the enormous hourglass that records all of time's passing. But as usual I have become depressingly morbid in my thoughts. I hope you guys enjoyed the poem. It has been some time since I have written one. If it isn't one that you will remember, at least I hope at the very least it will make you think. Anyways, time to get back to Marketing. Good night, my dear blog.

the melancholy quality of life sets in:::

2009-11-11T20:54:00.006+11:00

There were nights where I was sure
I wouldn't see the morning sun
And there were days that seemed so dark
I couldn't wait for night to come
I couldn't stand to think about how
My life used to be
And how without a single warning
It all slipped away from me
Like a fool I thought I could fight
The shadows on my own
To the dark I was no stranger
But this was stronger than I'd known
And by the time I knew that I was too deep I'd gone too far
And the light that used to guide me
Had faded from my heart
And I found myself in places I thought I'd never go
Surrounded by stangers I was so far away from home
And I don't know how you found me
All I know is I owe you everything
Yes I do

And I thank you for my heart
I thank you for my life
And I thank god for grace and mercy
And that you became my wife
I'm seeing for the first time
The stars, the sun and moon
But they've got nothing on the power
Of this love I have for you
And I thank you, thank you

Beautiful lyrics - don't you think? Give me strength. I need it now.

thinking of her Magnum ice-cream

2009-11-11T07:54:00.003+11:00

AHHHH!!!~~~ around 1.5 hours left to D-DAY! Wish me luck! :)

The girl with the BOOST bags:::

2009-11-09T21:50:00.008+11:00

Today was a good day in terms of procrastination. I don't even know how the time passed because suddenly it was nearly 6 and I had done so very little, I should be in a puddle of tears now knowing that it is 2 days to my exam and I haven't felt that mounting pressure. Sigh - if this isn't a signal for "something is going to go wrong", I don't know what is. But yes, I was sitting in the Alan Gilbert building today and I was actually actively listing down some stuff I could include my blog. And because I am oh~ SO determined to inject some *sunshine* into it, I thought it would be good way for me to step up my game. Oh wow... so many metaphors, this is slightly worrying. Never mind, we'll see where it goes.

So the first thing I have written on my list is "money eaten". Oookay - don't know what THAT is. T_T. Great... slightly confirming that whole theory of mine that I am actually the closest relative to the A. afarensis. (with its 400-500 ml cranial size I might add!) This is killing me... what does it mean?? Did I eat money? Err - don't think so. Well, I hope not! Gosh... fungal spore hell and prion damnation. Never mind that then... moving right along!

OOooOOhh, something I understand~ Freud. Haha.. This is brilliant. Okay, slight background into the topic. When I came over to Melbourne from Bangkok, I brought along ONE chic-lit book with me. Just one.. compared to the ton I have back home, this is pretty different for me. Because I had only brought one, it is probably uncountable the number of times I have re-read that book. Not enough to beat the number of times I have read the 4th book of Harry Potter (you know... the one with the triwizard competition, the one we read about bouillabaisse, the one where Cedric Diggory dies, the one where we see portkeys being used to its ultimate best, the one where they meet mermaid like creatures and Harry eats some spongy seaweed that allows him to breathe underwater XD) which I think is around 30 or so, but enough for me to know the book quite thoroughly. But it wasn't until yesterday that I understood one of the author's implications. Kind of weird how I didn't get it before but now that I think of it, the whole suggestion is just so well-done, it deserves an award or something! Ok... so the book is about a guy and a girl and they are acting in a play called Pride and Prejudice but the awesome thing about it is that the modern context, beyond that of the play, is actually a reconstruction of Pride and Prejudice. Something like a play within a play but the characters don't really know it; kind of like dramatic irony in that sense. Yeah anyway yadiyadiyah.... she realises she likes him after taking donkey-years to come to that conclusion. At one point he comes over to her house and she asks him whether he wants "tea? coffee? peppermint tea?" and he says "coffee would be great".

She brought out a tray with a pot and two mugs. She placed them on the coffee table, which was now a few feet away from Harry. He got up and sat cross-legged by the table. She sat down next to him. "Shall I be Mother?" she asked for no good reason, and then tried desperately not to think of Freud.

Get it??? I'll leave it to you guys to think about. ^.~ I had other stuff on my list but I think I will save it for another day :) Waiting for the download for UVERworld's 4th album Awakeve to finish! Can't wait!!! :) Now.. back to reannealing DNA:::: toodles!

words and coherent thoughts have left me... I am nothing but a vessel of life

2009-11-07T23:29:00.017+11:00

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross

Some doodling of mine...

Just seconds before I wrote this post, I took the opportunity to read through some of the posts that my friends were publishing up on their blogs and I realised that the topics they wrote about, inane as some of them may be, actually are really good topics to read about simply because it is a true reflection of their thoughts. That lead me to the sad, depressing thought that the topics I write about don't really seem to matter. Sigh... maybe then its a true reflection of character because I don't believe as a person I am very warm, instead I think I tend to distance myself away from people. Every time I think of a new adventure I want to scribe down, I find my interest diverted somewhere along the path and it never gets "typed" down. Probably because of the laziness that propagates and resonates through all my cells.

Oh god... cells.... that word in itself conjures a huge, convoluted image of this mess of topics and ideas for the current subject I am taking this semester; Genes and Environment 650-1 l22. The exam is in about 3 days and I feelike I am trying to empty this bottomless wealth of constant knowledge. It seems to me that the more I dig through the mount, I find myself looking at more blockades and problems. I'm pretty sure it isn't suppose to be that way right? Maybe I am an Homo Floriensis after all. 380 ml for cranial size? Sounds about right don't you think? Certainly have the matching height as well! I really . really . really . couldn't care less about monkeys and parasites and fungi and magic mushrooms and spores and protists and all that stuff - the brilliant thing of course is that the less I care,e less I am enthused to learn about it which explains why I am now tip-tapping on my computer, procrastinating instead of working hard on all the above-mentioned stuff. I should really get a start on remembering all those protist parasites like apicomplexans or kinetoplasids or parabasilids.... (damn these names! damn their features! damn my craving for chocolate! haha XD)

But on the happier side. I think that birthday lunch plan is tentatively falling into place. It is odd to think I have never had a gathering like this for my birthday all my life simply because it was either during mock exams or during residentials which meant spending it away in some ulu place, camping out in the cold, or riding elephants, or even as in the TOK camp, answering really mind-wrenching questions like "why we exist and where does knowledge come from". So I'm super duperly excited! I'm hoping people don't cancel on me T_T. I know it is just a lunch but really it is a celebration of a new beginning - of my life in Melbourne and to thank my blessings that I have had the luck to meet so many awesome people in one year. Cynical as I am, I really do think the friendships I made in uni will last: hopefully for a lifetime. Who knows? Maybe I will wish for it at 11:11 on the 11th of the 11th month (while I'm crazily writing on my Bio paper). Anyways... good luck to all the sorry souls out there attempting to get through the exam period! I, on the other hand simply wish that I will chance on a 4-leaf clover right before the exam or perhaps find the end of a rainbow with its designated leprachaun guarding the pot of gold!

My *large* cupcake ^.~ it wasn't :that: bad... really! :)

Jolene with ~my~ stamp of approval. See? free advertising :) Love "studying" sessions! >_<
Giraffe*~ cheesecake - which was awesomely aroi and oishii - heaven to the tastebuds! :)

The view today outside my latest study hang-out. Talk about pretty cloud formation! Nimbus, stratus? Don't ask me T_T Geography for me = FAIL *~*

stirring of creations

2009-11-02T23:13:00.006+11:00

Morbidity, turbidity, the rank smell of earth bound sin,

Wallowing in a bog-like mud, you, chained like a prisoner,

Encased in a mosaic of rabid, maggot infested scars,

The pus-infused wounds are a reflection of the past.

Sigh... I love the English language :)

Play that funky music white boy!

2009-10-24T00:36:00.012+11:00

I'm so ready to lie down on my bed now and close my eyes to the world. It's a wonder that I'm actually still coherent enough to write this blog but I figured should show some perseverance in view of the recent declaration to stay true to this blog-writing effort. So yes... I'm here tip-tapping on my keyboard as my eyelids dangerously come to a close and a slight snore escape from my lips.

A recent account of my life would probably amount to just as much fun as writing up a report on a lovely weekend afternoon. Still, there were the occasional fun moment or two throughout the week, such as attempting the ol' Aussie hobby of "lawn-ing" which I am inclined to believe involves lying on the grass for the better part of the afternoon, soaking in the sun and attempting to believe that one is getting in touch with nature. Yeah, understandably from a very Asian POV, it will be something to get used to. But a note to oneself is that lying on the carpet of green grass is so much easier when one is wearing jeans rather than a dress. Talk about being SUPER uncomfortable as one realises that there are only certain sitting and lying positions which are considered etiquette(ly) correct! It has been a stark contrast in weather though to allow for this new attempted past-time where the afternoons can be strikingly hot such that it actually feels like my legs are burning as my jeans heat up from the sunlight.

Besides that.... I went to the Flaire Dance performance tonight at the Union House Theatre. To phrase it in the best way possible, I guess I was a tad disappointed by what I saw today. In a way, I had very high perceptions especially since Taro and Bunny had such high praises for their previous performance; Eclipse. I have to say though that some of the pieces were just beautiful and mesmerising to watch, particularly the slow ones where the shapes and the motion involved in such graceful choreography struck a chord within me. And it is with a slight touch of wistfulness I think over the show as I realise now how much I actually miss dancing - although I don't believe I will ever regret quitting that evil ballet school in Bangkok! It just makes me wonder whether I would be a different person if I had continued on with the passion for dance and attained that Grade 8 certificate. Will it would have vast affects on my life and the person who I have become? Perhaps - but I guess the only action which I can take is to try to make sure that my interest in dance is pursued. Maybe I shall join a dance class? I sometimes wish there were more hours in a day so I could enjoy life a bit more without always having to worry about the chains that tie me down. But then again, we are all dreamers.

With that, I shall let my dreams flow and end this post with a mere bid of "good night". Sleep well, my dear world~ May you glow brighter when I wake up in the morning :)

let's open the bubbly!

2009-10-20T21:42:00.005+11:00

Wow - talk about a neglected blog. This is kind of embarassing really considering that I was so pumped up last time to make sure this blog was a constant record of my life. Apparently I can't even do that so perhaps this time I shall reduce my aspirations and dreams and start on a smaller scale. This probably means smaller posts, just a little after-dinner snack on which I can digest on. Maybe little steps will lead me somewhere far, far away but I'll satisfy myself with the unstable clumsy wobbles of a toddler.

So what's happening in my life? A lot! It's almost insane ho

w much my life has changed since I moved to Melbourne. It's as if my life blossomed into what it was meant to be and I am so grateful for that. Over the last few days, I was thinking about how different my life would have been if I did get into Oxf

ord or if I did decide to go to the States. I wouldn't have met the friends I have now (probably some of the closest I have made) and I wouldn't have been able to experience the moments that we have shared. Not to mention that being with them has vastly increased the photos in my facebook account! (^^)But I guess I will never be able to live by the fact that I

was so close, almost touching a 'prize' path but never really t

asting it but that's okay because with awareness comes the ability to move forward and that is what I believe I am making out of my life now. I'm going to grab the opportunities laid out there and I won't step away from my fears any longer. Years down the line, I don't want to look back and regret the things I have done, the choices I should have made and the paths I should have taken. It's time to celebrate an open per

spective. Will you celebrate it with me?

2009-08-04T14:12:00.002+10:00

時間～

2009-08-04T13:08:00.004+10:00

I've been neglectful of my blog over the winter holidays even though I had intended to update it relatively constantly considering that I was suppose to have a lot of time on my hands. But the holidays just flew past me and without realising it, the second semester of uni has already begun and although I try in vain to look over my shoulder to the memories we shared and the times we had, life forces me to look forward at the approaching wrath of assignments, lectures, practicals and god forbid, exams. Sometimes I just feel like caving in to the brutality of reality but where would be the fun in that right? It is the struggle that ultimately defines us and our actions will differentiate those that endeavour and those that fail to attempt.

So... uni has started and as the first week trudges on to the second, I am already complaining about time or rather the lack of it. To be honest though, time itself is meant to be of an objective perception. No one has less time or more time per say because there ARE only twenty-four hours in the day, only one thousand, four hundred and forty minutes in that day and to elaborate it further, eighty six-thousand and four hundred seconds that encompasses the earth's single twirl on its axis. Which makes me wonder about my time management skills. Whilst others seem to be able to fit in a ton of activities in their day, I struggle to complete anything significantly important enough to deem it as 'time well spent'. Maybe it's because we CHOOSE to do the donkey-work; the work no one voluntarily wishes to do that we see ourselves falling short of expectations. (yes, the choice of the plural 'we' was intentional) This suggests to me then that maybe time is subjective... how many times have we heard the phrase "time is precious". Add a single word in the first person pronoun and it turns subjective. Voila!~ Ignore the sarcasm spilling out but circumstances has made me a tad bitter. Implying though, is so much more sadistic than just putting it out there, don't you think? Ahhh~... The brilliance of being vague.

But putting pen to paper, or in this case fingers to keyboard always does help and already I feel the anger seeping out of me. It is comforting to know that there is an option for me to just let go of my wrapped up perceptions, intertwined with harsh, perhaps rabid emotions and rid the guilt and dark thoughts that plague my mind. So now clear and clean again, I'll get back to my life and start chasing after those grains of time!~

P.S thought I would post some of my random photos which I took recently with my phone. ENJOY!

Messing around in Dotti. Check out the heart-shaped glasses fetish!

An amazingly cool building that I had never noticed before. Ignore my ignorance~

Jolene on the day before her last exam at Bailleau vigorously studying the Nitrogen Cycle (lol... tbh, I have no idea what she is studying!)

My attempt at a cinnamon bread pudding over the holidays. It was all good... until I took it out of the oven and it deflated. So... not so appealing then!

An awesome chocolate cake with pie crust made by Dewi and Daniel. Totally and utterly scrumptious! ^^

Rainbow coloured hands were the result of the chalking that took place today. Look around for the 'PUPPETS' around campus courtesy of the hardworking ones that gave their time to CMG.

Workshop gears. A taste of what is to come.

物語の時間！

2009-07-15T22:20:00.003+10:00

Once upon a time, in a land quite different from ours, there lay a little creature. It had long waggly ears, a cute pink nose and an adorable puff of a tail. Many would say that this creature would be akin to that of rabbits in our world but alas this one was a bit different. Unlike the snow-white fur that was characteristic of the rabbits we usually relate to, this creature had purple spotted fur with yellow stripes all along her body; there was so much of a clash it seemed as though that each design was actually fighting for a place on that small area of fur. It was therefore understandable that this poor little creature (who I shall from now on call Bunny simply because of its ease) was a lonely and sad one. Her existence lay in the compound of her small habitat and this gave her very little chance to explore the big, big world. Having never really ventured out for fear of being ridiculed, Bunny had no friends or companionship. Interestingly enough having never had any friends, she didn't particularly understand the concept of it. It seemed almost as alien a concept to her as the concept that Manchester United was a good football team. So understandably she was one perplexed bunny.

Now Bunny was a very habitual character - she always woke up as the sun rose and went about her day with as much gusto as one could expect from a female on a good day. A ritual she absolutely never missed was her pot of good ol' hot taro green milk tea which she made sure she savoured to the last drop. Filled with the aroma of the tea and the warmth of her cosy fire, her home exuded the warmth that gently beckoned for company which was distinctly odd since she was rather lacking in that area.

to be continued.... *narrator needs to watch TV!* =)

A LONG LONG AWAITED POST~ chyeeaahh

2009-07-03T15:50:00.011+10:00

Its nearly 4 o'clock in the afternoon and as the dark clouds prey upon us I can't help but think about the last few weeks in Melbourne. You have to admit that the mood around the city is perfect for a long sleep-in below the warm covers of the duvet, snuggled between comforting layers of warmth. Either that or to zone out and flash through the memories I have gathered during the roller coaster month of June. From my previous post, it is starkly apparent that the exam period trudged over me in a cranky manner, staining all those 'could-be' happy days with a dark, dark mark. The last days of the exams, when I was probably at my most 'stressed-out' stage, felt like an eternity for me as I tried to block out the smiling faces and crazily happy sounds that seemed to scream out at me whilst I lay under my Chemistry and Management books. And then there was the frustration that accompanied the 'Oh-my god-I-can't-get-this-hemiacetal-acetal-mechanism!' or the 'what-is-with-the-overload-of-cycles?' or even 'why-are-there-so-many-flippin'-arrows?' But thank goodness the time finally came for me to walk out of the REB building feeling as though a huge weight had been taken from my shoulders coupled with a brilliantly 'glowy' outlook on life. I actually felt that the sun had come out behind the shade of the city skyline but it could have been purely imagination as I walked down the city to do some serious damage on the city shops.

The night itself was far out GREAT because I had the opportunity to haunt the cinema to watch 'Transformers-Revenge of the Fallen' with my brother, Grace, Ken, Jolene and their friend visiting them for the holidays. I have only one word to describe the movie, "AWESOME!" The graphics and the soundtrack were probably the highlights for me - although characters like Wheelie and Huey and Duey did spark some bubbly laughter from the audience even if the jokes tended towards the obscene side. Bumble Bee seemed to play a rather small part in the second show of Transformers although he redeemed some of his stardom during his critical flight in the Egyptian sands. The Fallen however was pathetic beyond belief. I still wonder as to why the supposed strong bad guy died in an instant. That really was a bummer for me~

More exciting things were around the corner as the weekend brought about the CMG Pre-Production Camp at Kyneton. It was a cold, cold, BEYOND cold experience and I don't think I will ever regain the warmth back in my fingers! But then again, it wasn't cold enough for it to snow but coming from a 'kampung' background as me I must emphasise my 'katak di bawah tempurung' experience. So yes, the fog crept up upon us such that it was difficult to see beyond two steps away. Testimonial to all crazy camping events, one night we even had a treasure hunt which was probably held on the worse night as one could see nothing except the person tied to your hand and the colourful string that bonded you to that person. It was a fumbly, bumbly truly exhilarating night though. I don't think my heart has ever beaten that hard from fear as well as adrenaline. Luckily it did us some good because group 6 - the Chubby Mama Group - succeeded in robbing this win from everyone else. It was a good sign especially after our near scrape with having to clean up! Personal experience knows that cooking is ALWAYS better although I might have poisoned some people with my cooking which I apologise profusely for.

Other events included the flying fox and prison games which taught us how to fight for food, love violence as well as to control our urge for 'sexual desire'. To be honest, I still question the direct context of the games and the appropriate link it has to the whole prison theme. But what do I know? I am merely Prisoner #2911. A nonentity and a mere representation of a number. It was quite shocking though the extent to which violence was brought out in people. It was like watching a replay of the boys in Oliver or any Charles Dickens novel where people were fighting for scraps of food to sustain their lives. Through the process of this dangerous game, people were scratched, hair was pulled, red marks were attained and people's breath kicked out of them. If violence was the true goal... I would say it was achieved - and VERY well at that.

But the camp wasn't all sexual implications and violence. Wait... scratch that. The camp wasn't all violence. (full stop) Sexual implications continued throughout the camp: day and night. The exclamation mark of this pinnacle of *interesting* behaviour came to call during our final event of the camp which involved each group having to put up a musical according to the themes given to us. Although all the themes differed from each other such as family, fraud, friendship and stealing, it was apparently entirely coincidental that all of them however included the theme of homosexuality! Oh gosh~ although I didn't understand the majority of the plays it was quite... lets say 'out-there' and embarrassingly obvious how the plot unravelled especially with such enthusiastic acting *cough cough*. I have videos of all the sketches which I will post up soon when the Internet is kind enough to me and my large files~ Still the bright side of it all lies in the fact that our group won an award for our play which was 'Best Script' and we all got..... *drum roll*.... *suspense created*......

PENCILS! *don't worry it was the mechanical kind!*

Haha. Still I guess the prize links to the award somewhat - so we may go on writing more brilliant plays to win the Logies! Overall though camp was brilliantly fun~ Got to know a whole load of people and even had the opportunity to put names to faces and in other cases, faces to names. I have to admit this post is pretty darn late but its from encouragement from some readers that this is going up~ Maybe I'm still high from the bubble tea session... gosh - maybe I need to drink it every time before I can blog. Oh yes! A brilliant excuse for my hot taro green milk tea. *rubs hands in glee!*

Parody ::: the flavour of life

2009-06-18T19:58:00.004+10:00

I am officially in a dark, dark mood. It's been raining upon me, dropping its silent depressing waves reminding me of my sad existence. Trudging in the weight of chemistry, I feel that overwhelming sinking that causes me to doubt my future, my choice of study and my aims. Looking upon the stark grey skies, I feel blind to joy and to the happiness that life is suppose to offer. Coiled up inside this shrouded mind are bundles of envy attempting to make themselves apparent; to cast their green-like glow upon my face. If I was once child-like, I do not feel it, not in mind, body or spirit. A funny and ironic statement coming from a person who is just about to take a step out into the adult world; partially protected by a neglected innocence yet painfully aware of the demands that each path of life throws upon us.

Warped by the pressures of life, it seemed that the limitless life that we were offered on the day we were born was slowly placed into boundaries. Infinity placed in a box, which is consequently placed into a smaller box and so forth. Apparently an unrealistic idea but then again, so is the idea of infinity where one's perspective of continuity is placed to the test. I'd like to think that we have a purpose in life, not aimless in our journeys or our actions but if that we were so, I would think I would dislike knowing that my life has been mapped out simply because the concept of choice appeals to me. Maybe it is not our goal in life but the way and the method in which we reach it that ultimately defines us. But from this deep hole that I have involuntarily chucked myself into, I cannot see the way out, let alone the "path well-taken".

I think I'm shamefully wallowing in my self-pity but as the sun rises in the lives of others, I can only feel the despair that undoubtedly accompanies it, just as winter follows the best seasons of the year and as Persephone follows Hades. Charmed? I'm sure. The cynicism in me outshines the rest of my more worthwhile traits but without it, how would Hope even matter? Maybe the last to leave Pandora's box was ingenuity at its best because who would need Hope if the skies were always blue, the grass were always green and the sun always shining? Tilting the scales on which life hangs upon evidently would not be the brightest idea. Gosh.. that was a spill-over of waffle. Maybe I'll go sit in my corner now. Look for that lone thundercloud in the sky - it might not lead you to a leprechaun and his pot of gold, but you might just find 'yours only' amidst the dominating shadows.

O.N.E. -down-

2009-06-09T23:46:00.010+10:00

Biomolecules and Cells is officially over. Talk about over-cramming one's head with this wealth of *cough cough* knowledge~ I'm sure just like IB Biology, all of it will stream out from my ears one way or another - it's actually funny how this year I found myself piecing back together the fragments of my disjointed memory! Anyway, returning back to the topic at hand, I realised that it has been one year and one month since I have had taken ANY exam. My last one was my Paper 3 Stats for HL Maths if I remember correctly... time has seriously passed, leaving a bewildered me behind.

I actually still remember the day I finished my IB only because the rain was pouring so hard as we left the school that as my dad was driving back, the rain didn't look like droplets because the strong wind was blowing it perpendicular to its usual projection, and straight into our faces. So imagine Star Wars and the beginning theme song with its usual scrolling words, "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away..." and then the zooming forward into space. Now remember those long blue rod-like shades of light? Yes? That's probably about as accurate an image I can provide on how the rain looked. But, I bet you are probably wondering how this is even linked to my bio exam today. Well it just so happened that it was raining too today - plus with the amazing drop in temperature and the strong unyielding winds, I was an ICE-BLOCK! Not those cool ice figures, sculpted to perfection but a lumbering fool in three layers of clothes that failed to keep me warm despite making sure that physical movement was inhibited in some way or another.

The hall though, was really pretty. Quite surprising a venue for such exams, almost a wasted luxury on us students who probably didn't even notice our surroundings until we exited the building. The colours were pretty vivid for me especially since I have been brought up in literally one exam hall in Patana which consisted of nothing but white walls, cream tables, greyish tiles and fluorescent white lights; if that didn't perk you up for the exam, I didn't know what would have! Hah! Maybe Mr. Bezodis and his "wave your paper vigorously in the air". Ahh - bliss... I missed those days in Patana oddly enough, when one only had to worry about the next topic test on cells or the cultural revolution. "Let a hundred flowers bloom, a hundred schools of thought contend". It's crazy how all my history from GCSE still sticks in. Credit to Mr. Wood of course! Maybe I should take that history subject for my breadth next year- should be interesting after all!

So... three more exams to go and the countdown continues. Calc's on Friday so that should be fun. Yeah. I'm not being serious because if that were so, Bio must have really muddled around with my head but I *think* I'm still sane enough to realise the detrimental effects of first order derivatives, directional vectors, double integration, the Sandwiche Theorem and yadiyadiyah. I really can't wait to get over this hurdle of exams to get to the holidays. It's weird to think that I could cope with three exams a day in IB. Now I just feel wasted and hollow. That's really not a good sign since it's only the first semester of uni~ Oh well, like Chumbawamba sang, "I get knocked down/ but I must get up again/ you're never gonna let me down!"

triggered memory~

2009-05-24T21:30:00.004+10:00

Given the existence as uttered forth in the public works of Puncher and Wattmann of a personal God quaquaquaqua with white beard quaquaquaqua outside time without extension who from the heights of divine apathia divine athambia divine aphasia loves us dearly with some exceptions for reasons unknown but time will tell and suffers like the divine Miranda with those who for reasons unknown but time will tell are plunged in torment plunged in fire whose fire flames if that continues and who can doubt it will fire the firmament that is to say blast heaven to hell so blue still and calm so calm with a calm which even though intermittent is better than nothing but not so fast and considering what is more that as a result of the labours left unfinished crowned by the Acacacacademy of Anthropopopometry of Essy-in-Possy of Testew and Cunard it is established beyond all doubt all other doubt than that which clings to the labours of men that as a result of the labours unfinished of Testew and Cunard it is established as hereinafter but not so fast for reasons unknown that as a result of the public works of Puncher and Wattmann it is established beyond all doubt that in view of the labours of Fartov and Belcher left unfinished for reasons unknown of Testew and Cunard left unfinished it is established what many deny that man in Possy of Testew and Cunard that man in Essy that man in short that man in brief in spite of the strides of alimentation and defecation is seen to waste and pine waste and pine and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the strides of physical culture the practice of sports such as tennis football running cycling swimming flying floating riding gliding conating camogie skating tennis of all kinds dying flying sports of all sorts autumn summer winter winter tennis of all kinds hockey of all sorts penicilline and succedanea in a word I resume and concurrently simultaneously for reasons unknown to shrink and dwindle in spite of the tennis I resume flying gliding golf over nine and eighteen holes tennis of all sorts in a word for reasons unknown in Feckham Peckham Fulham Clapham namely concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown but time will tell to shrink and dwindle I resume Fulham Clapham in a word the dead loss per head since the death of Bishop Berkeley being to the tune of one inch four ounce per head approximately by and large more or less to the nearest decimal good measure round figures stark naked in the stockinged feet in Connemara in a word for reasons unknown no matter what matter the facts are there and considering what is more much more grave that in the light of the labours lost of Steinweg and Peterman it appears what is more much more grave that in the light the light the light of the labours lost of Steinweg and Peterman that in the plains in the mountains by the seas by the rivers running water running fire the air is the same and than the earth namely the air and then the earth in the great cold the great dark the air and the earth abode of stones in the great cold alas alas in the year of their Lord six hundred and something the air the earth the sea the earth abode of stones in the great deeps the great cold on sea on land and in the air I resume for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis the facts are there but time will tell I resume alas alas on on in short in fine on on abode of stones who can doubt it I resume but not so fast I resume the skull to shrink and waste and concurrently simultaneously what is more for reasons unknown in spite of the tennis on on the beard the flames the tears the stones so blue so calm alas alas on on the skull the skull the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the labours abandoned left unfinished graver still abode of stones in a word I resume alas alas abandoned unfinished the skull the skull in Connemara in spite of the tennis the skull alas the stones Cunard (mêlée, final vociferations) tennis... the stones... so calm... Cunard... unfinished...

Beautiful isn't it? Something triggered my memory of this unbelievable monologue from one of the plays I studied in English last year. As I head towards my exams I do sometimes feel as though I am 'Waiting for Godot'. The best surprise was when I discovered the Ian Mckellen and Patrick Stewart will be playing the parts of Estragon and Vladimir respectively in the upcoming theatre production of Waiting for Godot in British theatres. Oh wow~ that would be such an amazing play to see~ Ahh.. the power of envy.

Panda-monium!

2009-05-21T00:14:00.003+10:00

I think Wednesday is going to be my official blogging day. Just as much as Mainland Cheeseday is Mainland 'Tuesday'. Yes, random moment there but I have been brainwashed by that advertisement on TV enough times to let me quote it word by word. Though... it is a very good advertisement I have to say. Together with the Cadbury 'raising eyebrow' - one which I find ridiculously hilarious every time I have the chance to view it - it has the ability to really put a smile on my face (even on Wednesdays I might add!)

So another laborious day comes to end. It started off brilliantly with our weekly Wednesday Castro sessions where I decided for once to take the Toblerone instead of the White Hot Chocolate. Interestingly enough, some of my coffee mates didn't believe I would do such an 'obscene' thing and refused to believe that I had indeed decided to try something new. It was not only until I successfully spilled some of my drink on to the South Lawn grass that I was proven correct. This just goes to show the skepticism that belitters the minds of young ones nowadays. Tsk tsk... eighteen year olds! Although I might add that my conversation skills seem just as immature what with statements like "One of my friends asked me to swap my rice for saffron!! *scoffs* In his dreams!". Those people in the know will understand what this means, whether it is to their good fortune or not, I'll let you decide.

I reckon that today of all days, I had an interesting time attempting to garner willpower NOT to go back home and sleep. It was very difficult to coerce myself into staying on campus but I did, although I did find my eyelids closing every now and then. If only they had LaZy chairs in the library. Gosh - now that will be a close approximation to heaven on earth. It is interesting though how much one hears about other peoples' lives as they chatter away in the "silent study" zone. Trivial as it may seem, the topics were of enough interest to keep me awake even though I was silently cursing the lack of sleep for the rest of the day.

With that said, I'm off to bed now to attempt to regain some of that lost sleep! Maybe I just might be able to wake up on time tomorrow! Hah! Who am I kidding?

yaw~n

2009-05-13T20:05:00.003+10:00

If you could enter my brain at this moment in time you would be stepping into the middle of rich goo, muddled in the overwhelming confusion of words, events and memories and probably if I'm not mistaken, drowning in it. And it won't be any kind of silent affair but one where you are choking uncontrollably on the gloop that is riding down your mucus escalator (haha - check that! I used the word mucus escalator!!)

Swirling about in that mess, sinking slowly into that wet quicksand is an experience I'm sure anyone would find to be 'a once in a lifetime' experience. But the irony of course is that what is happening within my head is actually super imposable in the sense that this is how I'm currently functioning through life. Almost haphazardly, my memory comes and goes as it wishes, chaining me to its limitations and offering me no solitude throughout the day. Telling myself to remember something each time feels like I'm always taking a gamble. (and between you and me, I'm a *pretty* bad gambler!) Its come to the point where I'm feeling like a goldfish who's thinking of investing into a future of post-its!! Detrimental behaviour I gather....

Gosh... memory. That's the ticket! If only I had photographic memory or at least some kind of functioning one! Imagine a situation where you could simply read something or look at it and all that information would be at the tip of your fingers~ That would be incredible in an all too unrealistic way, but one can dream. In my case, I'm thinking that I've been pushing the DREAM button too much, too hard.

Ok. Enough with all this philosophical, depressing fooling about with words and thinking. Way too existentialist for a night! So on the positive side, I was sitting at Castro's today with my weekly Wednesday Castro buddies, sipping my fabulously, 'oh-so lovely' LARGE white chocolate when I got a text from my tutor for MPO telling me that she found my assignment! *sigh of relief* Actually make that *sighs of relief* But to be honest, I was really, really apprehensive of getting it back. So, I was to collect it from 'Room 262' at Old Arts by 11 o'clock and I trudged down there thinking it would be easy to locate. I didn't realise of course that the way the plan floor worked was like a maze; pretty discomforting after standing around in the hallway for a few minutes trying to act as though the words 'FOB' weren't pasted on your forehead. Underlining fact is that we found my tutor and I got my assignment back. One word to sum it up? *Awesome* So that was my icing on top of my day. It's brilliant how one spark can push your esteem up even when you are struggling to understand how some resistance in springs pushes it up against the movement or force exerted by the water it is submerged in. Yeah, don't ask me. I don't get it. Brilliant... Physics next semester - I'm obviously looking forward to it. Yeah, see that? - dead-on sarcasm. --R-i-g-h-t---O-n--

brain-dead..

2009-05-12T00:04:00.003+10:00

I woke up this morning telling myself that today of all days would be a fruitful one. I will work hard, do what I set myself to do, you know yadi-yadi-yah. It doesn't even take a monkey to guess how the day instead unravelled out. So yeah add in a couple dramas, a lot of chatting on MSN and in the middle of that watching some Master Chef. So yes, another really 'fruitful' day comes to end.

The worse thing about it is that I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt that I know can only be gotten rid off through making sure I actually do something besides laze around with my brain power placed at its minimum level. I need the motivation though! There must be something out there that can plug in some power voltage in me to send in that extra buzz I really need. It's a pity that the only form I have found so far comes in a can labelled 'Red Bull' and no, I am not that desperate (yet).

To be honest though, what actually motivates people? I mean, yes there is this whole topic of it in management and business where you study all those theories like Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, or MacGregor's Theory of X and Y or even Hertzberg's Hygiene Theory but in real life, beyond that of the working world, what motivates us as people, or in my case... as students? I know that in the long term we should reap rewards and benefits after the hard work placed in. But what is in it for the short term? That I would love to know. Or to emphasise that, I NEED to know. All I see at the moment is this large hill that I have to climb and I'm no where near the top; still standing at the foot of it wondering what lies at its peak.

Well another day has ended and I can't buy back its time or make sure that the clock's hands are twirled back. All that's left is to look forward to another day and wonder what promises I'll make to myself this time!

Dance~

2009-05-10T17:14:00.002+10:00

Now this poem is one of my favourites. I still remember when I wrote it in the light of dusk whilst I was suppose to be studying for some subject; from my foggy memory, I believe it was Maths. But that aside, it was a spur in the moment thing as I had just watched a dance movie the night before. All I could remember were these powerful images of strength and empowerment yet at the same time, a delicacy to the way the whole matter was approached. It seemed almost incongruent to see such beautiful and graceful movements yet somehow so raw that it touches people to their core.

Such deepness is truly reflected in dancing I believe and the emotions that accompanies it are to such an array that they seem almost incomprehensible. So in tribute to one of life's best things: Dance.

Dance:

The soft sounds of jazz caress,
Gliding troubles away with a kiss of delight,
I start to tap my foot,
My head nods to the irresistible beat.

A hand on my shoulder as I look up,
The smouldering haze for a moment,
Clear away to present an even darker shadow,
Dance with me.

Hand engulfed in hand, he leads,
Me onto the dance floor amongst the couples,
Already swinging to the beats and rhythm,
Their figures a blur within the depths of music.

A side step, a slide, and a step to the right,
I spin around as trails of dust whirl high,
The strands of my hair follow my every move,
Dancing its own vivacious rhythm.

The colours mix together as I enter a trance,
My body sways to the lulling sounds,
As my mind separates from all else and experiences something like I have never had,
Swamped with energy and emotion,
I fling myself across the floor.

The beats suddenly stop and it's as if I am left in mid air,
My eyelids slowly open,
To a thundering applause.

Memories~

2009-05-10T17:06:00.002+10:00

I was scrolling through some of my friend's blogs the other day when I realised that hidden somewhere in the world of cybernet, was a bunch of poems that I had written earlier (way earlier) during high school around 2005. I figured I would scourage through my memory to find where I had compiled my small attempts at creativity. Luckily, it didn't take too long! I was pretty sure at first that I had a blog somewhere before this one but alas, it seems that either I was mistaken or that the blog had been obliterated from lack of use. I guess both of these options are equally plausible what with my inconsistent memory and the fact that after the layers of dust on that blog, anyone would have wanted to place it in the trash too!

So yes, here we have it: *drum roll*? No. I do not believe these poems are good enough for that! Enjoy though. First up, 'Memories'. A fitting title yes?

Memories:

As the wind blows by,
I feel the memories flying away,
Time grasps them while I stubbornly hold on,
Remembering the good times.

It hurts,
As I flick through the pictures in my mind,
The priceless images bring tears,
As I remember.

Knowing it will come back helps,
But only a little,
Now time plays its cruel joke,
And slows down.

I abide my time,
Strolling back and forth,
I keep wishing my memories will turn into reality,
But they just drip away like sand.

continued

2008-08-26T14:26:00.001+10:00

Not something to be surprised at really, considering that she had been particularly absentminded of late. Her keys had gone missing, she had forgotten to stock up on her groceries and just this morning had successfully set off the fire alarm of her building as her toast had burned crisp, giving out that pungent aroma one usually only linked to smouldering charcoal ashes - not that she minded the exotic taste that she got out of her PB & J’s. It was at times like these that Keisha was thankful that the sprinkler system didn’t actually work in the run-down buildings this side of Brooklyn. She did however catch the attention of her riled up landlord and the rest of her fellow tenants, earning her a sound earful about children of this generation and a continuous stream of angry glances directed her way. Just two months here and her simple hopes of a quiet, unnoticed life had been effectively ruined. But then again, Keisha had always had the uncanny ability to draw unwarranted attention to herself. Even when she was a child, her parents would cry in frustration each time the school rang to report on her latest "situation". There was the huge spill-up of tomato soup which had stained all the cafeteria's once white-washed walls, the huge tear in the Principal's formal gown, the flooding of the entire second floor, the missing rabbit from the science laboratories; all of which Keisha denied all responsibility for.

Wanderings of a lost soul

2008-08-21T17:48:00.001+10:00

Amidst the warm gusts of sticky, moist air, the droplets of sweat tapered down the nape of her neck and clung to her already drenched shirt. Her hair, swept up in a messy up-do, lay tangled in a swirl of hairpins. As she stared up into the distance, the faint sounds of an ambulance siren swirled above the ever present city noises. One could never once pinpoint at any one time what exactly constituted as a "city noise" but together, they were a cacophony, a union of interlaced sounds, comfortable in the presence of others but strangely empty when singled out. Below the iron railings from which she stood, a cat stretched back and yawned, its eerily green eyes momentarily closed to the world.

Bzzz... At the sound of her doorbell, Keisha started as she snapped out of her reverie. Looking down at the hands of her watch, she realised she was running late for work.